when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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