I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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