I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
