I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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