so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
