I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
