Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
