just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
