And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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