I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
