I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
