I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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