winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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