Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
