I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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