Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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