dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
