Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
