i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
