Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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