i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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