I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
