trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize