there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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