You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
