I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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