I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
