whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
