oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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