i don't like sucking hair
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
