Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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