I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
