don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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