yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Pants 0. Shit 1.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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