Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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