Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
