I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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