and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
