i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
