i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm always down for nudity.
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