I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
sex in a hospital.. check
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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