im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
