i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
