true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
