apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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