Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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