if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
