that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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