i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
