You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
