I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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