I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
