Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
