I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
His nipple licking is glorious
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